Support Group

Hi my name is Brennah and I struggle with infertility.

(group response : Hi Brennah)

So this is support group. Well kind of. We didn’t actually go around the room and announce our alcoholism.. er…infertility…but we kind of did. Let me back up.

A few months ago a friend of mine made a post on Facebook about a local support group she was going to be the peer leader of, it was for anyone struggling with infertility. No matter where you were in your fertility journey, male or female etc everyone was welcome. I saw people commenting on the post but at this point we hadn’t really told anyone of my diagnosis. People in our inner circle knew of our struggles to conceive over the last four years and a select few knew I went to see Morgan, but the vast majority of those in our life had no idea what was going on. I was always so embarrassed about my inability to get pregnant that whenever anyone asked if we were going to have kids or when we planned on getting pregnant, I would just smile and say, “not right now”. Anyway, my point is I wasn’t ready to announce to the masses what I felt was our private business. I decided to message my friend privately and ask some questions about the group. She told me where it was going to be held and invited me to join the group. She was so kind to me and made me feel really comfortable so I decided to share my diagnosis and ask if it would be a good fit for the group even though we were currently treating my problems and putting baby-making on the back burner. She said I was absolutely a good fit, she too struggled with PCOS on top of some other issues and was happy to have me join.

I have to say that her ability to be so open and honest with me made me feel comfortable enough to consider going to the meetings. Like I said, there was a sense of shame that I wasn’t able to shake and it really hindered my ability to open up about our years of struggling.

In the weeks leading up to the meeting I went through a multitude of emotions because honestly when I am left to my own curiosity anxiety tends to get the better of me. I am working on that. I went back and forth on if we would actually go through with it and show up but after the major turn in depression and my new-found hermit-y tendencies, my husband and I agreed it could only help to check it out.

OK-so let’s fast forward to the day of our first group meeting. I had convinced my husband to come along which honestly took minimal convincing because I’m pretty lucky and he is very supportive. We didn’t really know what to expect and I was so anxious that I would feel uncomfortable and not want to share. We agreed we would only share if it felt right, otherwise we would just listen and take it all in.

I didn’t want to be late, I remember we went to town to run errands and decided to just kill time in town because I was so anxious that if we went home I wouldn’t have the courage to still go to group.

We got to group right as it was starting and found our seats. This was the first meeting of this group as the rest are located in Seattle, so attendance wasn’t very high but we didn’t have much to compare it to since we’ve never attend the others up north. This meeting consisted of us, the peer leader (my friend) and two other women. Due to the anonymity of support group I cannot share any details other than to say, this group breathed a life in me that had been missing since my official diagnosis. It also showed me some of the darker sides of infertility that, until now, Kellan and I had been blissfully unaware of.

Our infertility struggles up to this point had just been an inability to conceive and some minor doctor appointments and testing, since we had never conceived we never suffered the loss of a child in utero or any scary issues during pregnancy, etc. I am beyond thankful that we have been spared that heartache thus far and comparatively we are so lucky, but please understand our struggles with infertility is the only journey we have known and it has been heartbreaking none the less.

If memory serves me, when it was my turn to introduce myself I cracked a joke about being an alcoholic because that was the only kind of support group I have any frame of reference to. (I would like to note I take that topic very seriously and my joke was not intended to offend anyone suffering with alcohol or dependency, or anyone in a recovery program-it was simply a way to cut my anxiety through humor. If you know me, you know I would NEVER intentionally hurt someone.) I wasn’t sure how much I would feel comfortable sharing with a group of strangers but once I got started it was flowing out of me pretty easily.

One thing no one tells you, even when you think you know you have something or you know something is wrong with you, getting the official diagnosis-while relieving-also causes a whirlwind of emotions. You initially scare yourself with the major ‘what if’s’ of the future and the worst case scenarios. Then you bring yourself back down to reality and start researching anything you can find about your new diagnosis, the medication and what this really means for your every day life. It is a process and sometimes it is so overwhelming and you feel very isolated. Word to the wise, don’t let yourself go down the rabbit hole of what if’s, you are only borrowing trouble. The women in this group could all relate on some level to what I was feeling and we shared in the nods and “uh-huhs” when another was speaking. There is something really special about feeling truly understood and heard when confessing some of your darkest thoughts and hardest moments.

Up to this point my circle of people who could relate to my journey was very minimal but thanks to our support group and a couple of girlfriends on a similar journey, I was able to make some new connections and even joined some online support groups. If you are struggling with infertility, PCOS or endometriosis you should check out Facebook for some online support groups. I know it sounds odd because believe me I still have days where I am not sure its the right thing for me BUT I am thankful to have that outlet and also tens of thousands of women going through similar struggles that are super supportive and also helpful with any question I might have. Luckily when I don’t feel like posting my feelings or asking any questions there is inevitably someone already talking about what I was hesitant to share.

I am beyond blessed to have some tremendous people in my life that have, on multiple occasions, reached out and offered any and everything they can to help during this journey, but it is so hard to accept any help from someone who doesn’t really understand whats going on. This is where I think support group, both in person and online,  made a difference for me. Having an outlet to share the selfish feelings or outrageous behavior of the past months/few years was soooooooooo helpful. It is incredible the things you can let go of when you allow yourself to talk about and fully process them. If group, be it online or in person, isn’t your thing, I still encourage you to talk to someone. Seek out a counselor, share with your spouse, sister, mother or friend. Talking to anyone will help kill the feelings of isolation and the nagging depression that comes with it. I will always be grateful for our group for giving me that possibility and I am beyond thankful to the people who encouraged me to share my thoughts here, this has been so therapeutic for me as well.