Meeting Morgan

After four years of trying to conceive and copious health issues along the way, I finally took the plunge and decided to schedule yet another appointment for testing, this time with an OB/midwife specializing in PCOS. You see, I’ve known there was an issue for YEARS. Aside from my massive weight influx, I lost my period, for months at a time, sometimes over a year stretches in between. I started having acne and CHIN HAIRS. Not just your average, adult woman with german heritage chin hairs…we are talking 17 showing up in one day or a long black one hiding under your double chin that your husband so effortlessly plucks because he thought it was a stray hair from your dog. Those chin hairs. Yup, those pesky bastards were one of my least favorite symptoms of all. I became increasingly anxious and depressed and was having wild mood swings. I was rarely able to sleep and constantly sick. My immune system was shot and I felt like a complete basket case.

Years ago, when I first started missing my period for a significant amount of time, I went to see a gynecologist. I had never really experienced a super regular period but I always eventually got one. After my examination, I was told it was very common to miss a period and that I was most likely still ovulating just not shedding my liner. The doctors told me not to be concerned. At this time I had already gained about 30lbs after our move to AZ and the lack of my periods was chalked up to stress and weight gain. I didn’t think anything of it and with no other real issues decided to move on.

I should add that my husband and I believe in God. We don’t actively attend church but we pray and have a belief in God’s timing, for awhile when we tried to conceive we believed it wasn’t happening because it wasn’t our time. This may have helped with some of the grief we experienced with infertility but it didn’t explain the health issues i was experiencing, but the doctors had already said everything was fine so we continued to practice and pray. While I still VERY MUCH believe in God’s timing, I also believe in being your own advocate and receiving medical treatment for something that is so clearly wrong.

One of my very best girlfriends had shared in my struggles to conceive and we compared our health issues and some of the strange symptoms we were experiencing. She was diagnosed first and encouraged me to get a multitude of tests done to see if I also had a similar diagnosis.

We were living in TN when I tried to get a more specified group of tests done. My doctor at the time was not familiar with PCOS and while I had some irregularities, ultimately he decided my issues were a direct effect of my weight gain, 72lbs at this time, and told me to try harder to lose the weight. Like my previous failed attempts I would lose a little weight and slowly nothing I did would help. I tried diet pills, calorie restriction, excessive working out. All I was doing was poorly feeding my system and ultimately gaining weight.

When we made the decision to move home I remember my girlfriend saying she was thrilled that she could finally send me to see her doctor. I was so uncomfortable with the idea of receiving a negative diagnosis that I put it off for nearly the first year. It wasn’t until the next wave of weight gain and the realization I hadn’t had a period in over a year that I decided to bite the bullet and make the appointment. If something was wrong it would be better to find out and start a treatment plan.

I was so anxious I couldn’t help but cry. I cried on the way to the doctor, I cried in the waiting rom, I cried when I was weighed in and ultimately had a small breakdown when trying to talk to the doctor. Heres the thing, this was SOOOOOOO much more than the health problems or the weight gain. This was me acknowledging that there was an issue and being terrified I would be told my biggest fear, that I wouldn’t be able to have my own biological children.

All of my young adult life I have wanted nothing more than to be a mother. I’ve wanted five children for as long as I can remember. Now the idea of giving birth to five children is daunting but I still would like a yard full of kids none the less. There has been this fear deep in my gut for many years that it may be hard or even impossible. (Over four years of trying to get pregnant will do that to you) You want to talk about praying, I have prayed something FEIRCE for God to bless me with the natural ability to have a child. I have begged, pleaded and bargained. The thing is, you cant get pregnant if you don’t have a period/ovulate. You shouldn’t get pregnant if you are obese and have the added risks of complications. This is where I found myself. So I had to talk to Morgan and get some testing done to find out once and for all, is there a bigger issue here or am I really just super fat.

In total I have gained 135lbs since Kellan and I decided to pack our bags and head to the desert for school. That is basically an entire person. I received this glorious news when I went in for my first appointment with Morgan to get tested for PCOS. She didn’t know me from Adam, so she wasn’t aware of my initial struggles. The nurse weighed me and I was already crying, so here we go, I thought, time for another doctor to tell me everything is a direct result of my fatness. Thankfully, that was so not the case.

When Morgan came into the room she was so beautiful and kind. She looked me in the eye when she spoke and she made me feel so comfortable. She was every bit the saving grace my girlfriend had talked her up to be. Even though she was great my nerves got the best of me and when she asked me what had ultimately brought me to see her I cried, hard, like snot nosed sobs. She was incredible. She handed me a tissue and said, ‘I know this is a heavy emotional topic so lets lighten the mood. Tell me about yourself.’ That was the little bit of grace I needed to pull myself together and start the conversation.

After my initial examination and testing, Morgan told me I was the poster child for PCOS-IR. She not only confirmed my feelings of there being an issue, she also apologized for the lack of knowledge from the previous doctors I had seen. Morgan explained that due to my insulin resistance, without the right balance of medication, hormone levels, diet and exercise, there was no way I would be able to take the weight off. She said I could have done cardio for hours at a time while only drinking kale smoothies and still wouldn’t have made a dent on the scale. My body was in starvation mode and was storing basically all of my calories to fat. Wow. Finally a doctor that was willing to look beyond my obesity and help find a cause for all of my symptoms. After she told me the news, you guessed it, I cried. This time I was crying tears of relief because I was going to get some real help and a treatment plan to accomplish my goals. There are so many unknowns right now, nobody can predict the future but Morgan is hopeful that after we regulate my system and find the right regimen for my body, there is a great chance of naturally conceiving a child. She also was very clear, while there is currently no known cure for PCOS, with the help of medication and diet I would have a much better quality of life.

With a diagnosis of PCOS-IR and the added complications from obesity there are some very serious health risks and pregnancy is currently on the back burner for at least a year. It is going to be a long road, Morgan told me that, but I feel prepared for the ups and downs because I want to be healthy, I want to live and I ultimately want to do whatever it takes to have a baby.