Shit they don’t tell you about marriage Chapter 1: Sometimes you don’t like your spouse & it really is ok.

I was casually watching Instagram stories the other day when comedian Whitney Cummings shared an old clip of a stand up routine she did. In the clip Whitney gives her definition of love and after becoming a married woman I would have to say I find it to be one of the best definitions I’ve ever heard. She said, “To me, love is being willing to die for someone, that you yourself want to kill.” Can I get an AMEN?! Sounds like marriage to me. Nobody told me there would be days like this. I love my husband something fierce and in this life we are best friends and each others biggest supporters BUT that hasn’t stopped me from threatening to become the next woman to have her own episode of snapped if he doesn’t stop driving me crazy.

I think after nearly nine years together and all of the truly wild life events and growing pains we have survived, I have the ability to share my thoughts on marriage. We decided long before we ever got married that for us this was a one and done deal. My parents have each been divorced twice, my family has divorce or annulment covered, some of my best friends have already been through a divorce and my in-laws just went through divorce after nearly thirty years of marriage. There is absolutely NO judgement from me and I know in every one of these instances it was the absolute best decision that they could have made, we just decided for us it’s not an option. Come hell or high water this shit is till death do us part so work it out or dump a body, we are going to make it till the end. Nobody told us what a challenge this might be on the hard days.

I remember being anxious the day we got married, during the planning of a very expensive wedding Kellan and I decided to run off to Vegas and elope. I was anxious because being the over-analyzing-people-pleaser that I am, I was afraid to let anyone down with our decision to elope. Nobody tells you your wedding day may be more stress and anxiety than love and romance, in fact some people believe if you are nervous before getting married you are making a wrong decision. As for my case, I completely disagree. As excited as I was to be marrying Kellan, I was nervous because this was the biggest decision I had ever made in my life thus far and I was having so many emotions because I WAS GETTING FREAKING MARRIED! I wouldn’t change our elopement, all of the anxiety aside there is something so special about it having been just he and I together and I cherish the memories of that day. It was such a simple ceremony. I didn’t even wear a wedding dress. It was us, a pastor and photographer. A small little chapel on the outskirts of Vegas, and I LOVED it.

When we got married I imagined a happily ever after, enjoying a long romantic honeymoon and spending life in utter bliss. I wasn’t prepared for the reality it’s just normal daily life but now I was someones wife. Since Kellan and I eloped we didn’t have the big celebration, no bachelor or bachelorette parties or the gifts, no bridal shower or wedding registry, no honeymoon or moving into a brand new house. We drove to Las Vegas for a four day weekend, got our marriage license Friday afternoon, we were married on Saturday and after exploring Vegas as newlyweds on Sunday, we drove home on Monday.

Smacked back into reality of full time school and navigating our newlywed life. We still had to deal with the damn daily’s. Someone (me) leaving their wet towel on the bed, someone (him) leaving his big clog stomping shoes out for me to trip over. Finding balance between being a housewife and not wanting to be his maid, between wanting my opinion to matter and not wanting to be a nag and trying to embrace our new level of adulthood, maturity and everything we thought that encompassed.

A few short months into our marriage my girlfriend called me, she had also recently gotten married and we just needed to vent about our husbands and being someone’s wife and how fucking hard everything felt. It was incredibly eye opening to recognize we weren’t alone, it felt freeing to hear her say, “I hate my husband today.” and to laugh and say, “Girl, me fucking too. What were we thinking?” In all reality we weren’t really reconsidering our choice to get married, we had married the most incredible guys and to this day we are both so happy and blessed, but FUCK. Some days you just want to kill them and its apparently N.O.R.M.A.L!

I remember getting off the phone and immediately calling my mom. How could she not have told me, why would she lie to me like that. My mom just chuckled and said, “Oh honey, OF COURSE it’s normal, it’s real life. You are going to have days where you can’t stand each other and then you are going to have days where forever together wont seem long enough. I am sorry I didn’t tell you that, I guess I hoped for you the driving you crazy part wouldn’t come quite yet.”

Heres the thing, no matter who it is, if you spend every single day with someone and live together, building your life together, you will get annoyed or frustrated. Its human nature to need and want your own space some times. It is healthy to have stuff you enjoy together and to also have time with your own friends or alone. You are sharing everything and that can be exhausting but it is also so rewarding.

There are days I can’t get enough of spending time with Kellan, he is cracking me up and we are dancing in the kitchen while dinner cooks. Days where I picture us growing old together and how I hope I never have to face life without him by my side. Days where it really is everything I ever hoped for. Then there are the days that I swear he is finding joy in making me crazy, days where if he crunches his snack next to me one more time it will be the last thing he does on this planet. You know the days I am talking about, the days where you think about taking a drive and just never stopping, on those days I tell him I love him but I don’t particularly like him and I am going to go take a bath because he is driving me nuts. It is so important to recognize that those feelings are always fleeting and usually a product of something else. It is also very important to know that it really is ok to feel that way, on occasion. Now if you feel that way more than you don’t thats a topic for another day.
Marriage is so many crazy, beautiful, infuriating things but it is the best damn decision I have EVER made. I think it is so terribly wonderful to have someone see you for all that you truly are. We see each other at our absolute worst, when we should be embarrassed and begging God for forgiveness. We see each other celebrate successes and joyful times where you are riding the best high of your life. It is having the person to hold you in the sorrow and cheer you on as you take on the world. I couldn’t imagine doing life with anyone else, even on the days I could knock him out.

So if nobody told you, I am here to say its totally ok if you don’t like your spouse 100% of every damn day, don’t smother them with a pillow just go for a run, read a book, take a bath or call a friend and remember that, hopefully, even if you don’t like them everyday, you do love them every single day!